I love kids, and I love working with kids. That being said, the line between "Miss Marie" and "Party Marie" (OK, "Party Marie" is a stretch, but go with it) is sometimes blurred in odd ways. When I was a teacher in Iowa, for instance, I had a toddler car seat in my back seat. I often come home with used kleenex in my pocket and graham cracker crumbs in my hair. I know an embarrassing number of lyrics to Wiggles tunes, and I can sing the ABC's in 13 different voices. These are all skills that come in handy in the workplace, and, once I have children of my own, I'm looking forward to being the goofiest mommy ever. Sometimes, however, Miss Marie needs to take a rest and stop stepping on Party Marie's toes. I don't have kids! I'm a single young woman with 5 tattoos and a well developed tolerance for alcohol. A working knowledge of breast pump technology isn't appropriate bar talk for someone in my situation. Today I found myself making diaper rash cream recommendations to a parent, and a little piece of Party Marie died.* With all of that in mind, I bring you the Top Ten Things I'm Spending my Money on Instead of Diaper Rash Cream.
Top Ten Things I'm Spending my Money on Instead of Diaper Rash Cream
or Marie Asserts her Single, Childless Status in the Face of Her Job
10) Hookers and blow
9) Rated R movie tickets
8) Breakable, decorative objects that I plan to place at floor level around my apartment.
7) Porn. The dirty kind that you have to throw away once you have kids because they'd be scarred if they stumbled across it.
6) Toys for my cat.
5) Another cat.
4) Frames for pictures of my cat.
3) The rights to the domain name cr8zcatl8d.com
2) Non-Wiggles, Disney, Raffi, etc. music.
1) Sexy clothes that will help me land a baby maker. Ahemm, I mean loving life partner.
* Boudreaux's Butt Paste! It's the best!